Snakes and doves

Matthew 10:16 says we should be as shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves.

That's a tough row to hoe sometimes.

But sometimes, in this type of ministry, it has to be one of our guiding principles. I always say it's only 5% of people we have to worry about.  (That's just a guess, not a hard fact.)  That's in any crowd, not just the food pantry waiting room.

I like people to be happy.  I seek to avoid conflict.   I'd always rather be a dove.

It wasn't one of those week.

Last November, I wrote a series on a week in the life of a food pantry leader.  If I had written that this week, it would have been fodder for reality TV.  Or a sitcom.

In many ways, we are in a great season of growth and change.  Volunteers have been working diligently to get a computer system up and running for us.  We served record numbers of people in September, many of them new, without undue stress. We've had great conversations with those in need and others our community. We have witnessed as some people have found hope.  We have been given the opportunity to share many Bibles with adults, teens, and kids.

Kindness, goodness, and God have played a big part in this week.

 I sincerely am blessed to be doing this.

So I hope this doesn't come across as whining and complaining.  I think it is important, though, to pull back the curtain sometimes.  I don't think most people would believe the goodness I talk about that I see in people if I disregarded the rest.

It was a challenging week at our food pantry.  This is not the norm.

My friend Gretchen runs a sister pantry in town.  She was the victim of a "serial scammer" this week.  He lied and stole from her pantry, even after being given food.  It wasn't the relatively small loss of food, but the sense of violation that he left in his wake. He doesn't know the time and effort she put into that food he stole.  It hurts my heart for her, because I know how much she invests of herself in her ministry.

On Tuesday, during our open hours,  I was challenged.

We had a family bring in a child who seemed to fairly obviously have chicken pox.  On the one hand, I am praising God that this child was with his dad.  He has fought for custody for years because of the bad environment the kid was living in with his mother.  On the other hand, I have other guests to worry about too.
They came in with friends, all people who are lovely in their own right and known to us.  But it took awhile to get them to admit that they were unsure what was wrong with him and they were't actually certain he wasn't contagious. I think they were afraid we would send them away without food if we thought he was contagious.
By the time I got that sorted out, he had been in our waiting room for over 15 minutes.  We moved them out a bit farther away from folks.  Some volunteers offered advice about where to take the child, since they could not afford the copay most places.  They were worried about him, as am I.  But I am also worried about the many guests we have with compromised immune systems who were in that waiting room.
It was a hard call between being kind to this family (and not making the kid feel, literally, like a leper), and taking care of everyone else.


Shortly after, we had another couple come who we see fairly regularly.
Nice people.
Usually.
They talked to me about their 2 year old grandson and got some books for him.
They usually remember to bring their own bags. Since I never remember things like that, it always makes me happy to see that they do.
There are serious health and pain management problems for both of them.  There may be substance abuse issues, but that's just a guess.
They were in the waiting room later, when only 2 new young ladies with a toddler were there.  I was in and out of the room.  I didn't hear what happened.  But these young ladies quickly asked how much longer they had to wait because the husband of this couple  was speaking in a way that was offensive and making them uncomfortable.
I went to run this past my co-leader, and she said another week (when I was out), a similar instance happened with a volunteer.
I felt like I had to speak to him.  I planned to make it light, a "try to watch the language" suggestion.  Did I mention I don't like confrontation?  I admitted to him that I hadn't heard it first hand, but I had 2 separate reports from 2 different weeks,  and so I felt I needed to let him know.  His wife suggested maybe someone had misunderstood something.  (After I heard what was said directly to this volunteer, I know this is not the case.)  I agreed, and said maybe just be cautious if speaking about things that could be misunderstood.

He went ballistic.
He threatened to call the media on us.
I suggested he do just that, because we would welcome the chance to share the story of our ministry in a public forum.
By the way, did I mention that I don't get paid to do this and I will not be verbally abused and you're welcome for the free food.  (Okay, I probably said it more nicely than that, but that's what I thought. But mostly that's what I said.)
It wasn't my finest moment.

Perhaps my failing was less in that grace-less response, and more  that I was too much of a dove in approaching this situation and not enough of a snake.
Later, when I talked to the previously offended volunteer, we had a great conversation about root causes and the types of pain this family might be going through. There is room for grace here.  But next time, I also need to approach him with more shrewdness.

Oh, and while I'm dealing with chicken pox and offensive language and being yelled at and managing a pretty big crowd....someone stole from our Dollar Shop.  It was just t-shirts.  Quite a few t-shirts.  I would have given them away anyway if someone asked.  But really, why not just ask?   It wasn't the loss of the items.  That was no big deal at all.  It was the violation.

And yet, in all of that, I have been called to remember why we do this.

GRACE.

I have plenty of rotten, awful moments.  I am not perfect.  (Refer back to the conversation I had with  my yelling friend.)
God still loves me.  God still gave his son for me, and continues to give to me in big and small ways all the time.  I cannot loose His love, even in my worst moments.

My prayer is that God will help us demonstrate this type of love to our neighbors.
We need to welcome back the people who frustrate us, the people who steal, and lie, and treat us poorly, and yell.
I think we do these things to God all the time.  He always welcomes us back.

We not only need to allow them to come back, we need to invite them.  We need to have our arms open for hugs, and words of sincere kindness and forgiveness on our lips.

We need......I need..... God's grace to do this.

If you pray for our ministry this week, pray that we be filled with grace-filled love.




By the way, wondering how we know if someone is being honest?  Visit this post.

How do you know if someone is being honest?

I get this question a lot.  It's often phrased like "How do you know someone really has need?" or "What type of information do you check?"

The simple and short answer is that we don't know if someone is being honest with us or not.  We extend them grace and acceptance, just like God extends to us, and we treat everyone who comes in the same.

Everyone who comes to us has need.  On the surface, everyone is coming for food and other types of material assistance. But we all need grace.  So if someone is coming to us without a sincere need for food, they still have a sincere need for grace and love and we try to demonstrate that.   A couple bags of food is a small price to pay for this opportunity.

Some pantries do an extensive amount of paperwork in an effort to keep people honest.  There is one large local pantry that requires a variety of paperwork (including birth certificates for everyone in your household), a signed referral from a church or other agency, and a waiting period while they check and verify all of your information.  I sign these referrals sometimes, which always generates a phone call to make sure I am a real person who really signed the form and verify the person is in need of assistance.
 I get it.  I really do.  They serve a lot more people than we do.  This is their approach at being fair.

We do check a photo ID and ask for a current piece of mail to verify the address given to us.  We check this about once a year on everyone, and reserve the right to do so more if we think something is going on.  We are lenient about giving folks a few visits to produce this documentation. We are lenient with those who are homeless in terms of verifying an address.   We have a 2 sided form that everyone fills out, which includes a pledge of honesty guests sign.
We have everyone fill out a brand new form about once a year. We go over their form with them every time they come in to make sure their information is correct.

Why don't we do more?

* It requires a large amount of volunteer time and effort to go more in depth with verifying info.  That time could be better spent in more productive relationship building with people.

* If someone is really committed to lying to get some free food, they will work the system no matter how complex.  If this happens, they obviously have some form of real need that should be addressed.

* If the system is too complex, vulnerable people will have barriers to getting assistance they truly need.  Someone who is elderly, illiterate, undereducated, chronically ill, managing a house full of kids, working multiple jobs to make ends meet, non-English speaking, etc. is going to have a hard time completing a pile of paperwork in a timely fashion and may get into a more deeply critical situation.

* It is far better for a person's spirit to assume they are being honest until you have reason to believe otherwise.  Believing the best about someone, especially someone who is going through a hard time, is a great gift.

* It is important to remember it's just "us" and not "us / them."
When I visited this large pantry, it was pretty clear that the staff and volunteers were superior.  This doesn't mean that there weren't some very nice people there.  But it was obvious from the way the application and check in process was run that they wanted to firmly establish the agency's dominance over it's clients.  It made me a little uncomfortable.  People were getting fed, but there was a subtle human cost.
My partner Laura does paperwork, files reports, keeps spreadsheets, etc. It is important to be business like and in control in some respects. We don't ignore this aspect.
However, a big part of how we know someone's level of need is that we try to get to know them.  We have conversations.  We hear their stories.  We laugh together and cry together and pray together. This takes time.                                                                                                                                
 My theory is that the "us-ness" of the way we run things is going to be very hard to stomach for those who might wish to be blatantly dishonest.   Either this approach is going to change their heart, or they are going to go elsewhere for assistance.  It happens, but those people are the minority.

* We've done this awhile.  We aren't naive. People lie.  Chances are, we can figure out pretty quickly when someone is being dishonest with us.  Even with our simple paperwork, Laura has a great mind for picking up when something is "off."
It is almost never because they don't have a true need for food and support.  It is usually centered around who lives in a household, because sometimes people will try to claim to be more households than they are to get more food.  (ie - Multiple adults living under the same roof may try to make up an address.)
A friend once told me that if she were desperate to feed her family, she was sure she would falsify information if it meant she could get more food.  It's dishonest but understandable.  We hope if someone is that desperate they will figure out that they can talk to us and we can see how to dig deeper with them to help improve their situation.  That's why we no longer distribute food based on family size.  We don't want to set up a situation where someone might be tempted into dishonesty out of desperation.
If we have a sense someone is trying to pull one over on us, we generally give them a grace-filled chance to correct it.  Asking someone to clarify something because we are confused or think we may have made a mistake on their paperwork is a good way to create a safe space for honesty.


Matthew 10:16 says we should be as shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves.  That's where we try to land so that we can openly love on our neighbors while still being good stewards of our resources.

What makes us different?

Grace.

Our response to the grace God extends to us every day is to do the same for others.